Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
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If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??