dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
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I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.