Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
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she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
Sing it!
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?