So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
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Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™