3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
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10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
the three branches of government
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
ME (calling my horse with no name):