[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
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*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you