Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
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Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
I used to be married, but I’m better now
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do