My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
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I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
That’s it.I’m out.
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.