I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
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Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
this could fix me
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
that lip filler tho
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS