Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
You Might Also Like
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”