I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
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The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
War & Peace
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns