Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
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Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.