“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
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Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.