Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
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My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
there’s probably a fee though
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.