Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
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I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
S M O L
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part