When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
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“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
quarantine day 3
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.