The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
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A dead goose is called a ghoost
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.