old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
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The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
Lord Of the Rings is a story about a brave little Hobbit on a mission to destroy a ring and save the world, and his annoying friend Frodo.
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.