I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
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Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
Harsh but fair
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
Name another movie that mislead you?
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.