Good dog. ❤️
You Might Also Like
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
car not found
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts