Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
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girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
#Caturday
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”