What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
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Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
oh my gosh!!
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.