Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
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I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’