Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
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Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
This is the coolest video you will see today.
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for