just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
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Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
me and who
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.