Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
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Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend