After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
You Might Also Like
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.