horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
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A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
I drew y’all a little something.
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*