obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
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guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
How dude HOW?!
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
my name if I was in the mob
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.