*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
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Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
This kid is going places
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year