There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
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yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
Me too door. Me too.
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
yeah 😭
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
[shakes fist at other fist]