Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
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*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
This fish is cracking me up
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.