I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
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hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
Said the murderer.
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
She puts the hot in psychotic
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter