Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
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I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
*skinny dips into black hole
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?