Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
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[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.