#ThisMakesMeLaugh
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Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
But is it really??
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins