Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
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My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
Always a metermaid never a meter
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!