[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
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People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
and now we wait
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.