Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
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Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
Clients after you give them your rates
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.