“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
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There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
live, laugh, laundry.
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters