“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
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How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
the greatest twitter interaction
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
Brother?
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost