I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
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Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
my name if I was in the mob
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose