Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
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a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*