[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
You Might Also Like
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
My dress code is business-casualty.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler