Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
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[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes