them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
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I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}