A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
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I’m good, thanks.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.