don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
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Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
Aw man, but that’s the best part
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.