“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
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[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi