Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
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Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA